From Yale to Jail

A thirty something Ivy Leaguer keeps the public aware of her opinions on things topical and struggles with multiple demons: alcohol, the law and remaining effortlessly hip in a changing world.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Please don't tell me I'm the only one...

A bulletproof and unbreakable heart. Its what I always wanted as I sobbed my way through my teens and twenties. I loved so hard it hurt. So many men. They never saw how much I hurt. I thought if they saw, they would change. But people change because of their own pain not yours. I am thinking about this because I am considering starting a new type of therapy. With a shrink. To get me off these pills. Not "bad" pills, unless you are Tom Cruise. These are pills that were supposed to save me. From myself. From Mr. Goodbar. Maybe they did. But they have taken so much too. I want to hurt again. I want joy, I want despair. I want to want sex with my husband. I want to want sex with anyone. I do but only when I dream. I chase men. I chase Ali Macgraw's ex husband. We had a film noir romance last week. It was in black and white. I normally dream in color. The doc says it will take a year to get me off my antidepressant, antimanic, antipsychotic and antianxiety medication regimen. Untiil then I am not eligible to participate in his group therapy. I laughed. I guess I would be too toxic to his other patients, being on drugs!!! He is expensive but might give me my life back. Or I mean, I want to take it back. "Be proactive. Wa wa wa" Not asleep. Booze made me spend my days in a fog. Now pills make me sleep all day. Is this oblivion just a substitute, do I only get substitutes for my addictions, my fixes. These pills dont make me happy, no joy. Just manageability. For me, for my husband. He gets to go to work a bit calmer knowing I probably won't get into too much trouble. Maybe he is happier. All I wanna do is have some fun...

20 Comments:

  • At 2:19 AM, Blogger négligé said…

    Are you serious with all this?

     
  • At 2:20 AM, Blogger négligé said…

    well, for sure you are not the only one

     
  • At 4:45 AM, Blogger bikipatra said…

    Yes, I am serious.

     
  • At 6:13 AM, Blogger négligé said…

    uff, then, I must say that I had a similar experience three years ago, and now I am fine, I am very calm and happy in general, so everything will be alright for you, but you must look for a change, it's necessary. Now I use Bach flowers, herbs and stuff like that to be calm and fine, and yoga also. you have to follow your doctor's advice but at the same time make an effort, this is very important.

    My problem is now that I am very reluctant to men and relations, and that also, hurts, because I would like to be in love and be loved, but the price is too high, and it always end bad.

    I guess I must learn to be alone.

     
  • At 10:37 AM, Blogger Bastya and Vincent said…

    Tall Thing sympathizes. She says it's been a long, hard road. But at the end was me! I think you need a hamster in your house, bikipatra. Feel better. :)

     
  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger Heath said…

    sorry about the boat.

     
  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger Ollylain said…

    No, you're not the only one. It's comforting to know there's some normality in having what society deems as abnormal feelings. Hope you feel better soon.

     
  • At 5:05 PM, Blogger bikipatra said…

    Interesting neglige. My new doctor is an herbalist. I will ask him about those.

     
  • At 7:52 AM, Blogger négligé said…

    Is your husband helping you in all this? he should, you shouldn´t think about his happiness, you should think about yours.

    If he doesn´t help you, I think you should think if it is worthy a marriage like that.

    Ask your people for help, ask the family and close friends, and make a big effort, look for a change, life is so wonderful when you control it, when you can be yourself again!!!! Do it, you have nothing to lose,try it.

     
  • At 5:33 PM, Blogger bikipatra said…

    Thanks!

     
  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger katarina said…

    What would happen if you just stopped taking everything at once?

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger bikipatra said…

    Even the doctor who does not believe in psychotropics does not recommend this. I have been on them for almost three years. When I told him this, he said it takes about a year to get off of them. With some drugs you can have withdrawal. Also, thesee drugs were prescribed because of legitimate illnesses. The key is to learn coping mechanisms for these problems. That takes time

     
  • At 5:43 AM, Blogger Johnny said…

    i told you lay off the viagra!

    :q

     
  • At 8:54 PM, Blogger Bastya and Vincent said…

    I heard viagra is kosher. I don't know what any of that means. Tall Thing says I don't need viagra. That just makes me want it. Sigh. She'll never learn. :)

     
  • At 7:48 AM, Blogger doughgirl said…

    1 year to get off the meds sounds perfect. After overdosing purposly on mine, I quit cold turkey...Detoxing from benzos and antidepressants is very hard. Do it the right way for sure. I threw up, shook and couldnt sleep for 11 days and still dont sleep well.
    I can identify with every word you wrote here today..thanks :)

     
  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger bikipatra said…

    Thanks doughgirl!

     
  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger Simone said…

    You aren't alone, Bikipatra.

     
  • At 5:15 PM, Blogger Puggyspice said…

    Oh, Bikipatra, I understand how hard it is to find a balance between extreme emotions and numb. When those feelings lead to self-destructive behaviors, it really is better to be numb awhile to get stabilized. But to be truly alive, we have to be vulnerable again and that is tough - letting in feelings, and learning to stay grounded at the same time. You have a lot of courage to try something new. I am still on three meds and not ready to go off them yet. I admire what you are doing, and that you are making this change gradually, under a doctor's care.

     
  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger healthyblogger said…

    Many of our modern drugs have harsh side-affects and cost the “earth”, so the next time you come down with a cold or the flu or oxidative stress, why not try a gentle alternative that costs next to nothing?

    Instead of immediately forking over large amounts of money for over-the-counter drugs, go to the kitchen cupboard and see what you can find to relieve your symptoms including oxidative stress.

    Here are some helpful hints for oxidative stress …

    A simple hot compress applied to the face is very soothing to those throbbing aches and pains of a blocked sinus, while a few drops of eucalyptus oil on a handkerchief can provide welcome relief for similar conditions. While supplements of vitamin C, D and zinc will shorten the lifespan of a common cold, a hot lemon drink is also extremely good. And be sure to cuddle-up in bed when you have a cold, as it will make the body sweat out the germs.

    Cool lemon juice and honey are a great soother for a sore throat and gives the body much-needed vitamin C at the same time The juice of one lemon in a glass of water is sufficient. Melt the honey in a little hot water for ease of mixing.

    A smear of Vaseline or petroleum jelly will do wonders for those sore lips and nose that often accompany a cold.

    A 'streaming cold' where the nose and eyes water profusely, can respond to drinking onion water. Simply dip a slice of onion into a glass of hot water for two seconds, then sip the cooled water throughout the day. Half an onion on the bedside table also alleviates cold symptoms because its odor is inhaled while you sleep.

    People prone to catarrh may find that chewing the buds from a pine or larch throughout the day will clear up their condition in just a few days.

    Do you suffer from sore eyes? If your eyes are sore from lengthy exposure to the sun, try beating the white of an egg and then spread it over a cloth and bandage the eyes with it. Leave the preparation on overnight. Soft cheese (quark) is also a good remedy for this condition.

    For those unpleasant times when you suffer from diarrhea, two tablespoons of brown vinegar will usually fix the problem. Vinegar can be rather horrible to take, but who cares! The problem is more horrible. Vinegar can usually be found in most people's cupboards, so you don't need to worry about finding someone to run to the shop for you in an emergency.

    Sleepless? Instead of reaching for sleeping pills, which can quickly become addictive, try this: Drink only caffeine free tea or coffee starting late in the afternoon.. Go to bed earlier rather than later, as being overtired tends to keep people awake. Make sure the bedroom is dark and quiet. Use only pure wool or cotton sheets and blankets. Polyester materials can cause sweat and make you thirsty (if your child constantly asks for water throughout the night, this could be the reason).

    And don't watch those scary movies just before retiring! If you still can't sleep, make a tea of lemongrass or drink a nightcap of herbal tea containing chamomile. It's easy to grow lemongrass in your garden or start a flower pot on the balcony for ease of picking. Simply steep a handful in boiling water for five minutes. Honey may be added for a sweetener.

    Of course there will be times when you do need modern drugs, so if these simple remedies don't have the required affect, be sure to see a health care professional.


    oxidative stress

     
  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger Editor said…

    Hi, great site that you have here, i have a site that has everything on it that you would like to know aboutpurchase viagra on line Be sure to check it out.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home