From Yale to Jail

A thirty something Ivy Leaguer keeps the public aware of her opinions on things topical and struggles with multiple demons: alcohol, the law and remaining effortlessly hip in a changing world.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Like a Virgin

Hopping through blogs, I came across one where a gentleman is noting his one year sobriety anniversary in AA. It caused my to feel, well, ambivalent. Almost like drinking because I was "almost" pained. I feel an uncomfortable ache in my chest. It may be hard to believe, but an aging slut like me never wishes for sexual innocence. I humped my way to being this MONDAINE and I am not going back. I have also been "mind fucked"-vilolated 18 different ways-but in most fields, I do not long for any intellectual virginity. Yet, I wish I had never been to AA. A year ago I would have said because it ruined my drinking. As the Big Book says, after each debacle, the troubled drinker will think "maybe those AA's were right". But now I wish I had never been because then I could go now, and maybe believe. Believe that people were good, believe that God would not fail me, believe in the 12 steps, believe that those people weren't just ass chasing coffee swilling fucking phonies. Unfortunately, that is MY EXPERIENCE!!! If that experience were erased, if I were new, if I were fresh, dumb, maybe as willing as the dying and open minded, I said open minded can be, I could get and stay sober. Staying is my problem. I am sober now, was sober yesterday, most likely will be sober tomorrow. However, as I know the sun will come up tomorrow, I know I will insanely pick up my next drink. Its inevitability is absurd in its simplicity. Only two things in life are guaranteed...death and taxes. OOPS! and that I will drink again, and again until I die.


  • At 6:17 AM, Blogger Suzannah said…

    hey, thanks for the comment!

  • At 8:11 AM, Blogger pandaendut said…

    urs also works!! :D

  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger Sabrina_C said…

    it makes me laugh. on the sideline of my blog i put the word "recovery". all my AA readers too that as a sign that i am not drinking, which in a way i am not, or at least i have cut back so much that it isnt even an issue anymore. since my latest car accident i am back in physical therapy and back to the grind of dealing with my really bad neck--hence the recovery part. i keep having to respond to their happy e-mails with this. i dunno why they read my blog in the first place, i stand for everything they gave up.

  • At 5:11 AM, Blogger Heath said…

    I told myself in January that I'd hop on the wagon for one I picked February...and drank the first 6 days of it. damnit.


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